100,000 Condoms and the Vancouver Games

Sometimes you wonder: what could possibly drive an Olympic athlete to push the limits of the body beyond what is generally perceived to be humanly possible. All those hours, sweat, blood, tears, and youth spent on honing a specific craft (the cruelest joke played on the 4th place male figure skater upon realizing that he has become a male figure skater). Sure, it could be pride, but pride doesn’t pay quite as well as dollars. And heck, we know it’s not money; amateur sports doesn’t dole any out, a point that could only finger in one direction; sex. That’s one motivator right there that is perhaps as potent as a steak wrapped in bacon wrapped in money on a dish of gold coins. Is it possible that all those reps and sets carried out day in and day out were considered investments that could be cashed out in the form of an ATM (ass, tits, mouth) withdrawal? You better believe it.

According to a recent article published last week in the National Post, about 100,000 condoms were distributed within the Olympic village to about 7,000 athletes. That averages to about 14 condoms per person, 7 if you were double bagging. A staggering number to us mere mortals, I know (14 seems a bit gratuitous does it not?). But you have to remember, Olympic athletes are generally primed for freaking. Not only are they in peak physical form and foaming at the mouth with testosterone, I’m almost certain that sexual release is big no-no leading up to an event. It also doesn’t help that each and every athlete is playing out their own hero fantasy of such grandiose proportions that would make Adonis himself feel self conscious (attempting to be best in the world would have to foster some form of narcissism). Translation? Even the women are suffering from a case of blue balls.

So it’s no surprise that another 25,000 jimmy hats had to be shipped ASAP before we had the start up of an Olympic run eugenics program. Who would’ve thought that athletes love sex? Speaking of which, I need to start doing some squats.