7 Lacklustre Heroes and Heroines

Movies thrive and die for so many reasons. I tend to blame the writer or director when a movie sucks horribly, forgetting that blame must be shared with the cast, and the male or female lead in particular.

A dull, uncharismatic hero or heroine can drag down an otherwise decent movie, or make a bad movie more unbearable. Here are seven actors that were poorly cast in their respective films.

1) Kristin Stewart as Bella Swan in Twilight

The crux of this series is the love-triangle between the sweet, girl-next-door Bella, brooding vampire-boy Edward, and werewolf-on-steroids Jacob. But what’s unusual about this setup is just how boring Kristin Stewart is. She’s attractive enough to hit on, but hardly someone I’d want to kill myself over (I’m looking at you, Edward!) or kill for (yeah Jacob, I know what you did). She’s the kind of girl you’d hit on at a party in order to get near her more attractive friend, and in Twilight, she has plenty of friends to choose from. Peep vampire babes Nikki Reed and Ashley Greene, or her high school chums Anna Kendrick and Christian Serratos. But no, it’s Bella that attracts all the attention, even from that gay vampire cult. Something about her boring looks and lack of personality I guess. She’s like the female Johnny Sensitive.

2) Shia LaBeouf as Sam Witwicky in Transformers

From Adventureland to (500) Days of Summer, Hollywood is filled with Johnny Sensitive characters that it was only a matter of time before they began to pop up in mega-blockbuster movies. Makes sense considering the target demographic is high school boys insecure about themselves and in need of light, escapist fare. Here’s Charlie Jane Anders to break it down for us:

Michael Bay understands that summer movies are about two things: male anxiety, and pure id. That's why he casts Shia LaBoeuf, that supreme avatar of pure male inadequacy, in the lead role. LaBoeuf projects a pathetic, wall-eyed dorkhood, when he's not babbling like a tumor removed from Woody Allen's prostate that somehow achieved sentience... LaBoeuf, who's actually a fine actor, is the stand-in for the male viewers' greatest fears about themselves. No matter how great a loser they might be, they can't be as losery a loser as Sam Witwicky. And yet, Sam has awesome giant robots stomping around telling him he's the most important awesome person ever. And he has the hottest girlfriend in the universe, Megan Fox, for whom banality is a huge aphrodisiac. The more pathetic Sam gets, the more Fox's lips pout and her nipples point, like little Irish setters… In the end, everybody learns to appreciate Sam just a bit more than they already did, and a booming voice tells him he's earned the "matrix of leadership" through his courage and stuff.

I lol’d when I read this, and than cried a little bit afterwards. If only real life was the way it was in Transformers.

3) Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars – Episode II and III

I don’t care how much metachlorines or whatever the fuck this guy has that makes him “the chosen one;” this guy sucks! I guess it makes sense for the force to be a genetic trait, rather than earned through merit. Christensen’s wooden acting in these movies would suggest he only got where he did because of good genes. How else do you explain him nabbing the hottest chick in the Star Wars universe and tearing up the entire Jedi council? Entitlement! Anakin’s the Sarah Palin of the Star Wars universe, someone who got where he is today out of sheer luck and without any discernible talent whatsoever.

4) Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker in Spider-Man

Granted, Maguire matches Parker’s physicality alright, but that’s as far as the resemblances go. In the comics, Peter Parker is funny and self-deprecating. In the Spider-Man movies he’s mopey, buffoonish, and boring, especially in 3. Whoever Mark Webb casts in his reboot I hope the guy can at least crack a smile every so often.

5) Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel Dawes in The Dark Knight

Max’s biggest complaint against The Dark Knight is Gyllenhaal. “She’s not hot,” he’ll say, or words to that effect. True, she’s not the best-looking of Batman’s love interests, and personality-wise, "plucky" is the best word I can think of to describe her. I think the problem here goes back to Batman Begins and the stupid casting of Katie Holmes. She’s got the looks alright, but her delivery is cringe-inducing. Had they cast a suitable actress in that part, they could have developed her character into someone we could root for, and than maybe I could understand why both Christian Bale and Aaron Eckhart are head-over-heels in love with her. Rachel McAdams or Anne Hathaway would have been my pick.

6) Will Smith as Muhammad Ali in Ali

You can’t really blame Smith for not having enough charisma as Ali. The man had such a volatile personality, and was in front of the camera showing off outside of the ring as much as he was inside of it, so we already have a pretty good idea the type of man he was. Smith’s performance is thus a decent impersonation, at best.

7) Brandon Routh as Superman in Superman Returns

Christopher Reeves’s Superman was confident, charming, and above all things, charismatic. He made you feel safe just by smiling. The way he answers Lois Lane’s questions is the way you’d expect the Man of Steel to - honest, direct, and with a hint of sarcasm. Routh, however, barely ever speaks, and possesses very little in the way of charm. He kind of looks like Reeves, but can’t quite pull off his swagger. A shame.