An Antipodean Anti-Athlete's Take on the Winter Olympics

I'm probably the last person who should comment on the Winter Olympics. For a start I'm an Australian and Australia has a fairly poor record at the colder games. (This year being something of an exception.) Six medals from 16 games, not including the current ones. Only Greece and Romania could be said to have fared worse from a similar number of appearances. Secondly, I'm not at all sporty. When Daniel Gross refers to my homeland as “a tough, buff, sporting nation”, I'm among those he overlooked. But opinionated I am, so here's my take on events at the Winter Olympics.

Curling – Enough has been said about this – ehem – sport to leave very little for a embittered cynic to add. They slide a rock. They have brooms. If this is a Winter Olympic sport why isn't cheese rolling in the Summer Olympics?

The Biathlon – I'm not alone in thinking this is not the most natural of athletic combinations. (Yes, I do read more than Slate.) It's more a chimera than hybrid. What happened? Were the games sponsored by a chain of ammo and ski hire stores? (Oh – If I read on I will see it was developed by those ingenious Norwegians.) Anyway, I still find it a peculiar combination, skiing and then stopping to shoot. I guess I find shooting peculiar in any context. One friend tried to convince me the sport requires great skill. So does boarding a crowded tram after six double whiskeys and as many beers on a snow covered street. And this isn't an Olympic events.

Figure Skating – The grace, the skill, the costumes, the tedium. It seems somewhat gauche to criticise an event which requires far more skill than I am capable, but that's what opinion columns are for. I'm incapable of enjoying a sport in which people spend most of the time skating backwards in silly clothes. And if they are going to wear stupid outfits, why don't they make that a more crucial part of the competition? Then the competitors could really let themselves go. There could be “a most flamboyant hat section” in the skating. At least speed skating requires some oomph.

Marathon Speed Skating – Once described not so much a test of speed but of luck because the last man or woman standing wins. Some part of me admires this approach to a sport. Unfortunately, this event drops in my estimation for taking itself too seriously. They should throw some banana peels on the ice, a little detergent, puddles of oil. Maybe they could take some cues from their figure skating counterparts. I'm thinking clown costumes.

Luge – Growing up in snowless Perth, I remember some people used to get their kicks by riding down an embankment in purloined shopping trolleys. (Shopping carts for any Americans out there.) Streamline the trolley (or cart); put it on ice and suddenly it becomes an Olympic event. What athletic ability is being tested here? The desire to place oneself in mortal danger? Sphincter control? I realise that given the recent tragedy in this event I should show some delicacy and refrain from commenting – but don't fatalities just call into question whether this is a sport? A man is a fool for swimming with sharks, and a hero if he is killed by one.

And if you think that I am unfairly biased because of my origins wait until 2012.