An Open Letter to Russell Brand

Dear Russell,

I saw you were in the spotlight again. Who are you? What are you? It says that you're a comedian. I thought you were a type of haircut. For the sake of argument, I'll assume the mainstream media is right. Ifyou're so famous, shouldn't I know you for your comedy?

Any other stand up I can think of with your level of celebrity is known for his / her routines. Tina Fey has her Palin impersonation; Doug Stanhope's gothis vitriolic bile; Gilbert Gottfried has that voice and the squint. Christ, even Will Ferrel gave us "More Cowbell." What have you given us? The only time I became aware of you was from that business with Jonathan Ross.

Okay, okay, okay, your Wikipedia entry says that your first show was  at the Edinburgh Fringe. Nothing to be sniffed at. The only Edinburgh fringe I've appeared in was on the city's outskirts. The show dealt with your heroin addiction. I'm sorry that you went through that. I lost a childhood friend to that shit. I would be more sympathetic if it didn't seem part of your self-aggrandisement. It was like you came into the world, a fully formed celebrity, complete with fuck-ups. At least your honest about I suppose:

I guess I shouldn't begrudge you your dreams. I've got mine, and if Sophie Winkleman ever hits rock bottom, mine will have come true too. But do you have to be so relentless? It's like you say. You can't function without fame. Your haircut would not be justified. You could easily visit a barber.

Your ambition wouldn't irk me if you were funnier. Sure, you are undeniably erudite and articulate. You are capable of insight rare among celebrities. Your point about the Jonah Brothers is very astute. However, I can't help noticing that most of your shows have the audience tittering not rolling in the aisles. Your performances are more a vehicle for your ego, for the "Russell" brand. You did a whole bit on your VMA apperance and another on the hate mail you receive.

You also had to remind people of your acting. Your acting. Your first big role is playing a drug-fucked, obnoxious, narcissistic British rock star. I suppose the rock-star aspect to the character stretched you.

In some ways, you're a product of your society. The UK is drip-fed celebrity. You're an admixture. On stage, radion, TV and film you find the different ways to play yourself. This only leaves computer games.

Ultimately, you've won, haven't you, Russell? I'm feeding the ego, too. Like Paris, like Kim Kardashian, you thrive on any publicity. The only satisfaction is that when you once again Google your name, you will have come across this.