Christmas and saccharine go together. Much of the food is literally sweet and then there are the films, TV specials and cards. Worst of all is the music. Not even a po-mo ironic perspective can make the vast majority of carols or made-for-Christmas hits bearable.
Fear not. There are a few Christmas songs out there with the jaded in mind. So while everyone else is pretending to to get into the spirit, you can grab some real spirits and wallow. Enjoy. Kind of.
“Fairy Tale of New York” The Pogues
I think I include this song on most lists (Best Folk Punk Band, Best Song from a Man Missing Most of his Teeth). However, it definitely belongs in a cynics top five Christmas songs. It's worth it for the invectives alone. “You old slut on junk” MacGowan barks at Kristy MacColl. Now, honestly tell me there isn't a relative you don't want to use that one on. Then there's the whole theme of frustrated dreams, which is Christmas for so many.
“Gift X-Change” - Calexico
Two people, virtual strangers, are going their own ways. The woman seems to be going home, though it's doubtful that she'll find any contentment there. Joey Burns might sing, “What would it take to hear you say the gift you give is love”, but he only sings it because it's what he wants, what he expects, not what he's going to get.
“Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” Tom Waits as sung by Neko Case
The song is in some ways perfect Christmas. Ignoring the profession of the titular character, the lyrics are about connecting with an old friend in hard times. But the revelation at the end twists all that on its head. She's in prison and desperate for cash. It's a beautiful song and definitely more bitter than sweet. I chose Cases' cover, 'cause I think she has the right balance of fragility and world weariness suiting the character.
“Christmas Time in the Mountains” - Palace Songs
I considered adding “Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End): because this list was in danger of looking a bit hipsterish. But then avoiding looking hipsterish is perhaps more hipsterish and so on and it will be New Year's Eve and I'll have to compose some other list. Simply for stripping Christmas of any cheer so it is as white and stark as the snow outside, you can't beat Will Oldham. I can't think of another song in which the word 'ball' is loaded with so much sadness.
“So Much Wine” - The Handsome Family
God, I love this song. It's so rare that a lyric can capture with brutal honesty, comedy and pathos. Just read the lyrics to the first verse:
I had nothing to say
on Christmas day
when you threw all your clothes in the snow.
When you burnt your hair,
knocked over chairs, I just tried to stay out of your way.
Equally perfect is Brett Sparks sorrowful tender resignation. For this guy Christmas comes more than once a year. Unfortunately.
99% of all output in any given genre is trash. Christmas music is no exception. Blanket statements like "all Christmas music sucks" ignore the fact that their are some genuine classics. Anyone who ignores the brilliance of Phil Spector's "A Christmas Gift For You", particularly the feat of songwriting and orchestration that is Darlene Love's "Christmas, Baby please come home" needs to have their musical street cred checked. Let's not forget the subtle, melancholic beauty of Vince Guaraldi's "Christmas time is here". Disliking these songs based solely on their Yuletide origins reeks of hipster pretension.