Growing old OR How I learned to stop worrying about teen flicks because of Twilight

Last weekend I saw The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1. My friend got free movie passes for his birthday for a specific, smaller theatre downtown, and at the time we could meet up together there were really no other movie options. I learned two very valuable lessons that Sunday afternoon – first off I am a very good friend. And secondly, there are movie demographics I do not fit into.

The weird thing is I never thought there was a film genre I couldn’t at least nudge my way into and enjoy. On that day I finally had to come to terms with the fact that there are movies ‘the kids’ love but I will not because…I am too old (I know I know it should have happened earlier, but after having avoided the High School Musical series my time had finally come).

I haven’t seen any of the other Twilight films, nor have I read any of the books. Most of what I know about the books comes from my roommate that works in publishing, but considering she enjoys pointing out that there were typos and grammatical errors found in at least the first book of that series it may not be all that objective.

So entering late into the story I know my analysis of the story itself would not be fair in any way. I’m sure somewhere along the line they explained how these vampires can survive in the sunlight without any concern,  or how the werewolves can change from human to wolf status at will, any time of day or night, any day of the month (nuts to you, full moons! )

Or the complexities of how a werewolf’s clothes will explode off their bodies when they transform from human form and yet magically, when they go back to being bipedal, they are clothed again. Does their fur just morph into trendy clothing lines from H&M and Forever 21? I probably would have known had I seen the other films.

No, I will stay away from picking that apart. To me the writing, the flow, it really is all aimed at teenage girls it is true. Preteen girls even, to give some credit to the older teenage girls equally unimpressed with these films.

There was some decent CGI when vampire venom infected the human bloodstream, and a bizarrely graphic caesarian birth scene that was pretty out of place that broke from the mold. But the rest of it was not in any way enthralling, not one bit.

And it’s not like I cannot be won over by films. This same friend, who really enjoys action films, dragged me out to see G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. I had no desire at all to see that film and even mocked the fact that Hasbro was mentioned in the opening credits. But it totally surprised me…well until the ending, when it became exactly what I had expected. But for three quarters of that film the storyline, the surprisingly strong character development, it won me over. Even though it finishes off as cheesy as possible it was a pretty decent film throughout and I would recommend it.

And I’ve enjoyed teen girl films too. I saw The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with an ex-girlfriend and her younger cousins and I didn’t mind it at all. I’m open to films, to movies – or at least I thought I was, until Twilight anyways.

The entire film there was a woman sitting in the row in front of us crying, I can only assume because there was a wedding taking place in the film – which was not emotional in any way by any cinematic standard but she probably had read the books so it struck a chord with her. I tried empathizing with her, tried to look at what was taking place and find something emotional to grab onto – came up with nothing, as sad as it is to say.

Maybe it’s that natural cynicism everyone develops as they age. Or maybe, just maybe, the film really was that bad (leaning hard towards the latter on this one). For someone who lives their life young at heart it is always hard to admit that you’re too old for something but then again, if staying young is liking that movie I think I’ll gladly take the crotchety old status.

In hopes of coming to some peaceful resolution with the hordes of Twilight fans who are no doubt as devoted as the countless Bieber fans of Twitter that have that pop singer trending every day of the year on twitter, and may do their best to shut down this blog in protest to my analysis of their beloved film, I’ll just say that I am not in the right demographic. I’ll freely admit that I am too old for that film.

Woe is old, cranky me! Next time I go to a movie theatre I will know better, I will know how to pick the film best suited for me. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to see a proper film for people of my age - The Muppets!  

(Sorry younger readers, Twilight really was just that bad!)