My mom works part time as a chef for a Chinese restaurant in Oakville (a suburb of the GTA, populated by high income families). The Chan family, consisting of Mr. Chan, Mrs. Chan and 7 year old daughter Mindy, started this restaurant several years ago and they have been very successful. Lunch and dinner hours are always busy. Mr. and Mrs. Chan take turns waiting tables, my mom and the head chef work in the kitchen, and Mindy manages the cash register after school.
It's 4 pm, so my mom prepares for the dinner crowd. Mindy, who just came back from school, enters the kitchen. Because my mom speaks little English, Mindy asks in Chinese, “I hungry. Eat?”
“I made tofu pudding,” my mom replies. “Would you like some?”
Mindy looks puzzled. Mindy only knows as much Chinese as my mom has taught her in the past few months. So my mom directs Mindy's attention to a pot across the table. Mindy peers in, smiles and looks for a bowl. “Where bowl? Scoop?”
“I still have to wash the dishes. Today has been very busy.” My mom washes a bowl and spoon for Mindy.
Mindy expresses her gratitude, “Thank you!” Just then, Mrs. Chan walks in. Mrs. Chan stares gravely at her daughter and says in English, “Mindy! Stop speaking Chinese! Why won't you listen to me?” Mrs. Chan turns to my mom and in fluent Chinese, scolds her, “And you... it's all your fault! I told you to stop encouraging her. Chinese is a useless language. You can't get jobs with it. So stop teaching her!”
“But your daughter is Chinese. She should know how to speak her own language.”
“She is not Chinese. She is Canadian. If she learns Chinese, other Canadians will discriminate against her. They'll think she's a refugee, or a backwards villager or something equally horrible. And that will destroy her future.”
“But you're Chinese. Being Chinese didn't stop you and your husband from running this successful restaurant. Being Chinese didn't stop you from buying a mansion in Oakville. Why are you ashamed of being Chinese?”
“I've experienced enough racism to understand the handicap of being Chinese in Canada. I want the best for my daughter. I want her to get a good job. I want her to be successful. I want her to be as Canadian as possible. So don't sabotage my efforts by being such a bad influence on her!”
My mom turns the other cheek, “You're crazy. Sure I never went to school. Sure I come from the village. But both my sons speak Chinese and they both graduated from U of T engineering. So I think you're crazy and I think you should see a doctor.”
“Stop arguing with me and wash the dishes!”
Later that night, my mom would recount the above story to me. I am reminded of numerous friends who's parents discouraged them from embracing their heritage because they saw it as disadvantage to obtaining social and financial stablity in Canada.
I've had a few discussions with some of my customers on the matter. One of my customers saw his whole sale business explode months after he changed his Indian name to a western name. He says first impression is important to a sale in wholesale, and one's name is part of this impression. Customers are more likely to call in if they think the person they're talking to is a white person.
Another customer of mine, who's a white-white Canadian-Canadian, told me, “When looking for a Chief Technology Officer, that is, an engineer with good business sense, I often disregard the portfolios of people who have Indian names, Chinese Names or Russian names. I'm fine if their first name is English, which is why Ben (a Chinese dude) is my CTO. But from my experience, people who haven't 'Canadianized' have a harder time identifying with my businesses' customers and strategic partners, a lot of whom are rich white people. Business requires such a personal touch, that the CTO ultimately needs to identify with the white Canadian culture. If I want to hire some engineer with no business sense, in other words, just a tool to do exactly what I want him to do, then I'll pay some Dmitri or Wong Wong Chan $70k a year (that's double the average income of an Ontario worker). But a CTO? Forget it. Some guy named Deenyneeyhai will have to do a lot to impress me to be both my strategic partner and technical advisor. I'm sorry to say I'm a racist, but I'm also a realist, and it works.”
So is it understandable for parents to discourage their kids from learning their heritage? Thirty years ago, when racism was a much bigger issue, I would say it was "more understandable". But today, with visible minorities making up half of Toronto's population, I'm not really sure. If naming your kid Hyun Jook Park will make him the "tool" of the white man, and thus, entitle him to a software engineering job that pays $70k per year, is that really such a bad thing?
I'm guessing it's because Asian people still put family before the individual. They tend to care more about the honour and reputation of their family. Sometimes, when Asian parents see a delinquent kid, it influences their decision like whether they should lend money to the family if the useless kid does not have the means to pay them back 10-20 years later.
Anyway, if you put family first before the individual, then you tend to think beyond personal growth. My own achievements are not enough. The family name needs to live on through the achievements of all its family members.
You know how Klingons say things like, "The House of Mog is a strong and powerful family. Enemies quake in fear at the mention of it". I think Chinese people think the same way.
gladwell's 'OUTLIERS' has an interesting theory on why asians (and eastern european jews) put such a high emphasis on academics. it's not conclusive or anything, but its as interesting as any other hypothesis i've read.
anyway, the mom is seriously psychologically damaged. experiencing racism can do that to you.
there's no way she doesn't aspire for her daughter to marry some white guy.
Great article! The "white-white canadian-canadian" guy who disregards portfolios of people with foreign names confirms something i've long had trouble proving to people that deny racism is a systemic problem.
Thank you for writing this, John!
Hey John....good article. I've always wondered, and maybe you can shed light on this, but what's the reason behind the whole asian parent ultra expectations for their kids? Coming from an immigrant family myself, I sort of understand it, but I tend to find that asian parents take it to whole new "loonie" level (hehe...without being racist of course).