Man Dies After Friends Stick Large Eel Up His Ass

What would initially be considered friendly joshing turned fatal as a drunken prank went horribly wrong causing the death of a Chinese man. How wrong? Well, fucking really wrong. That’s typically what happens when you mix asshole friends, an actual asshole, alcohol, and a live 50cm (20 inch) eel. You probably already know where this is going and you’re right: in the Sichuan region of China, a few world beaters taxed their friend in drunken delight by sticking a giant eel up his 59 year old drunk, passed out ass. I don’t know if this is a case of art imitating life or life imitating art, but this is tragic-comedy of epic proportions. Sophocles was only appealing to this type of extreme catharsis when he penned his dramas.

Apparently, just before his death the man admitted himself into a local hospital complaining of abdominal pain, dehydration, and  “a great deal of anal bleeding”. After getting the green light for a laparotomy, doctors opened him up and were quick to diagnose him with a severe case of giant-eel-in-the-rectum. Though, how the eel managed to nuzzle his way up next to the man’s kidneys was mystifying. Found dead, the eel apparently wreaked havoc on the man’s intestines causing a profound amount of internal bleeding that eventually led to infection. The man spent 10 days in intensive care where he eventually succumbed to his injuries. It was soon uncovered that the presence of the eel in the man’s ass was the result of a night of heavy drinking with the boys.

Now, a little hazing is standard male practice when one of your boys fades out under the liquid guzzle. I myself have drawn my fair share of penises on the faces of passed out friends and even photographed them unconscious in compromising positions. But sticking a live animal up their rectum goes beyond reason and far beyond the scope of guy code. In fact, even going remotely near your friend’s anus is a downright violation, unless of course that’s your preference. I just don’t understand why the man’s friends did not simply decide to use a dildo or, if they had their hearts set on an eel, a dead eel; something that would try to thrash and chew its way out from the man’s stomach. That shit is not cool. It’s tragic that a man has died. But it’s equally hilarious that he died because his friends thought sticking an eel up his ass would be fun. Aside from certain incidents where infants are stabbed, China seems to be this year’s tourist destination.