Mission to Nowhere: Cosmonauts to Spend 520 Days in Mars Simulation

On June 3rd, 6 cosmonauts will embark on a 520 day mission to nowhere. Well, close to nowhere: they’ll actually be holed up in a warehouse in a suburb of Moscow as part of a simulated journey to Mars. The European Space Agency and the Russian Institute of Biomedical Problems hope the experiment will offer insight on the psychological effects of such a voyage across the solar system. The cosmonauts will attempt to live the entirety of the study as interplanetary travelers spending 8 hours a day working on scientific stuff, no doubt, 8 hours doing leisurely activities, and 8 hours sleeping. Not a bad way to spend your day when you think about it. However, in keeping with the realism proposed by the study, the cosmonauts will have no access to the internet, no access to a telephone, and no access to natural light. They will breathe only recycled air and will only be able to shower once every 10 days while living on a steady diet of recycled air. Communication with mission control will also have a 20 minute delay to simulate actual transmission times. Oh yeah, did I mention that no women will be taking part in this mission? Group dynamics and the human will will be put to the test.

Damn, haven’t I watched this movie already?

Despite the alarms ringing in your pop-savvy head that has been inundated with science fiction disaster flicks, the researchers have faith that nothing can “possi-bly” go wrong. Each of the crew members has been thoroughly screened for psychological and motivational factors that would maximize the success rate of completion of the simulation. The focus and dedication of the crew can perhaps be best exemplified by one of its members, Alexei Sitev, who will be leaving his wife of only 4 weeks to take embark on the 74 week mission. Now that’s dedication (to his work not his wife).

Researchers will be particularly keen to watch out for signs of boredom, the forging of emotional bonds, and the social division of the crew into cliques, all of which will act to undermine the project as a whole and any future mission to Mars. However, the biggest psychological factor may be the result of the study itself. The simulation is in fact illusory; it’s fake and the cosmonauts know this. They know they are not in space and that they will be spending 520 days in a suburb in Moscow to prepare other people for a potential mission to Mars. The desire to just say, fuck this, I need to check my email and see the sun at day 93 could steal motivation from the crew to last the entirety of the study.

This may be one of the most compelling studies in any field that I have ever encountered. Still unknown are the controls of the study and to what extent it can unravel organically. Do researchers pull the plug if the crew goes mental? Will researchers just simply let the cameras roll until every man is down for the count? What happens if the study just turns into a huge homosexual romp? Of course these are all far fetched and somewhat irresponsible conclusions, but the researchers weren’t particularly transparent about any fail safes to ensure the safety of its crew. Well, the mission begins tomorrow so I’m sure they have everything in order by now. Either that or we’ll have some very sensational news in the near future. Godspeed, men!