Movie Reviews Of The Damned: Orphan

I should apologize for writing this. I know there are more important things going on in the world right now, like the garbage strike coming to an end or Kim Kardashian breaking up with that football player guy. But having come from watching the movie Orphan, I just had to share my thoughts on it wit' y'all.

Orphan is a very paint-by-numbers horror movie. If you're unfamiliar with the concept of paint-by-numbers, it's quite simple: you take a board with a design on it and you fill in the numbered areas with specific colours, basically painting in what someone else has already drawn. This movie is no different. You take a worn out concept, like nice-looking couple versus creepy child, and fill it with very obvious clichés. Simple really.

After giving birth to a still-born baby, Kate and John Coleman decide to adopt a child from an orphanage. Of all the cute little girls they could choose, however, they have to pick the strange one sitting by herself who speaks with an eastern European accent (that should have been their first clue). Esther (Isabelle Furhman), is almost too perfect: mature, courteous, and very bright, she wins over the Coleman's in five minutes, which is approximately how long it takes for the orphanage to process her out and ship her off to live with them. I couldn't help but wonder what orphanage allows same-day adoption, without a background check even.

The movie wastes no time in getting the suspense started. Almost immediately bad things start to happen. An injured bird is smashed to pieces by a rock, a child is pushed off a jungle gym, and a nun is brained and left for dead outside the Coleman's home.

The kids know almost immediately that Esther's responsible, and Kate begins to piece it together herself, which is when things get worse. She soon discovers that Esther isn't who she says she is, but of course no one will believe her. Her husband and therapist think she's the one with the problem, because sweet innocent Esther couldn't have possibly done the things she's accused of, least of all murder.

This movie follows the horror movie formula to a T - creepy kid, house in the middle of nowhere, a protagonist everyone thinks is crazy, and a climatic finale in the middle of a blizzard - you name it, this movie's got it. And this wouldn't be a problem except that I was expecting something more than a few "GOTCHA" moments. I was kind of hoping for some campy dialog or horrendous acting, but the cast are fairly competent, and there are no howler lines either; kind of a disappointment.

The stand-out is Furhman as creepy little Esther. I'm pretty sure I know why the producers cast her: on top of being very convincing as a killer, she also looks exactly like Rorschach from Watchmen. The resemblance is too uncanny.