The other night my partner surprised me when she said getting old was not a problem. Even more galling was that she is looking forward to it. I've usually identified with Auden's oft-cited remark that he always felt like the youngest person in the room.
When I reflected on this initial shock, I realised I have no claim to the venerable poet's sentiment. If anything I've become more like Larkin minus the abhorrent politics or the gift for poetry. Much of what coloured my youth I have long discarded or even actively avoid.
Music Festivals
In my teens and twenties, music festivals were the highlight of my year. So many good bands at one venue where I was able to go. Everyone was chilled. The atmosphere was joyous...or at least what I remember expecting. The lasting image of the most recent festival I attended was wading to the portaloos and imagining it was water on the ground .
Instant Noodles
From teens into my early twenties, I think I would've had instant noodles a couple of times a week. My preferred way was to boil them for a while so the MSG laden flavoring was at its most concentrated. Once, my then girlfriend, a house mate and I figured we could save money by subsisting on instant noodles for one month. Three packets each, one for each meal, for everyday of the month for each us came to twenty dollars. The extra money was used for what else but booze. A noodle only diet is not the kindest thing to do to your system. After a week we contacted the mother of the house mate, figuring she was most lenient. She brought vegetables. In return we amused her with our stupidity. Strangely, this did not put me off noodles straight away. My aversion came with time.
Flamboyant Clothes
Hard to believe if you see me now, but I could be quite peacock. I especially loved batik shirts, and velvet jackets. They were as much a part of my individuality as Sailor's snake skin jacket. Nowadays, I say this with a certain regret, I don't care. I would much rather wear something in which I'm comfortable. I'm not at the stage of wearing trackie pants around the house, but I fear it's not far around the corner.
Parties: Large and Small
Apart from the most intimate gatherings, I tend to avoid socialising on a large scale. Recent photos put up by a friend on FaceBook suggested this was not the case. A good part of my life like everyone's was spent in the company whose names and faces where never given a chance to form real memories. Looking back, I'm not sure how did it. What I do recall was that the shift in mood was as sudden as it was complete. When I decided I really didn't want to bother, I was convinced I had never wanted to bother. Damn the photographic evidence.
Pulling All Nighters
What a sense of achievement to see the dawn. The means which carried us to the morning was not important. A film night, bar hopping, a French actress or just for the hell of it. Whatever we did, what mattered was that as the sun rose we could say triumphantly we had bested the night and sleep. An all nighter is occasionally for work. Otherwise, I'm laid out by ten o'clock.
Me
Above all these, my main concern was my dear young self. I don't wish to suggest I've entered a phase of dangerous indifference. My beard is confined to my chin. My clothes are regularly laundered. I keep the muttering to a minimum. However, I no longer have delusions that I will change the world. Perhaps, it's a failing of imagination and not age. There are plenty people fighting the good fight to their death, and in no doubt keeps them youthful. For me this humility has been liberating. It struck me that my place in things is a lot smaller and so – ehem – meaningful. Look, I'll stop here or the next thing you know I'll end up making some inspirational poster.
