STALLONE

Most of my day is spent working with the opposite sex and listening to their discussions on topics such as laundry, America's Next Top Model, dishwashing and gardening. Earlier this week, movies were being discussed and the eventual topic of all-time favorites was reached with the vast majority cooing about Dirty Dancing. Of course, as much as I love to discuss Dirty Dancing just like any other male would (note: sarcasm), it was apparent to my colleagues that my enthusiasm for the conversation was dying faster than the Orlando Magic's hopes of winning the NBA Finals so they promptly asked what movies I liked? I thought about my collection and instead of going with something more respectable, I decided to irritate them and responded with the one thing that I thought was the direct opposite of Dirty Dancing: STALLONE. Sylvester Stallone is an integral part of my DVD collection as I have Judge Dredd, Over the Top, and every Rocky and Rambo. You know who loves a movie that combines arm wrestling with child custody? This guy. You know who re-watches Rocky training sequences and even other people's reenactments of them on Youtube? This guy. You know who is super excited about Stallone playing himself in an upcoming Bollywood movie? This guy again.



After starting with a critically acclaimed movie (Rocky), Stallone has basically followed it with testosterone driven guy movies with a short lived spell of kids' movies in between. I am convinced that if Spike Tv did not invest all of their financial resources into gel torsos and dead pigs as suitable human substitutes for the show Deadliest Warrior, that the network would buy the entire Stallone library including his softcore porn movie. I still watch the Rocky marathons when they come on (what seems like) every second Sunday on TLN (the telelatino television network). I was extremely disappointed when this site dedicated articles answering the question of "what is the best sports movie?" and nobody wrote about Slap Shot, Bull Durham and the most criminal of all Rocky. How can you write about best sports movies and not include any of the Rockys? Well the fact that I was too lazy to write about any of them probably answers that question but still everybody here at thedashingfellows.com needs to be held partly responsible for that unfathomable omission.

I was both excited and scared after hearing that Stallone was going to make another Rocky and another Rambo. I did not want to see my childhood movie hero become the punch line to movie critics' jokes. I wondered how a 60-year-old Stallone was going to pull off being an action hero again. The answer to that probably can be inferred from Stallone's massive head and is also most likely the same answer as what Manny Ramirez was recently suspended for. I remember watching all of the Rockys (except V) before going to see Rocky Balboa. Out of all the Rockys, the first is probably objectively the best; however, it was the fourth installment where Rocky avenges Apollo Creed's death at the hands of the evil Russian Ivan Drago that holds the most “rewatchability” factor with me. The movie is probably the most ridiculous of all the Rockys yet it is this ridiculousness that provides it with its charm. Whether it be Rocky climbing a real mountain yelling "Draaaaaaaaaaagooooooooooooo!", shifting into 281st gear in the "No Easy Way Out" montage or the ludicrous old school training techniques in the "Hearts on Fire" sequence, Rocky IV was a beautiful awful movie that embodies "so bad that it was good."

Side note: by far the most ridiculous and awkward scene out of all the Rocky movies was in the third movie when Rocky and Apollo hug after the beach sprint. A lot of manlove there... a lot.


I remember going to Woodbridge (aka the Greater Toronto Area's version of pseudo-Italy) to watch Rocky Balboa and both the crowd and the movie did not disappoint. Let’s tackle the former first. I have never been in a room with so many Vitos in my life (at least four). The best part was before the movie began, my friend overheard the dude in front of us say “If anybody talks during the movie I am going to f*%king kick their ass in the parking lot. I skipped work for this.” Just a fabulous atmosphere. You know it is special when you sit in a theatre and there is a part of you that is scared that the crowd could turn hostile at any moment. I had the odds at 50/50 whether movie-Tarver gets booed during his movie-ring entrance. I still believe that Rocky Balboa made $20 million on the first day… in Woodbridge alone. During the movie, my friend said that he has never seen a room full of Italian males so quiet in his life. The bad internet rumor was that Rocky was going to die in the ring and if it would have been true then there would have been a lot of man-weeping at the Famous Players movie cinema I was at.

For the man that has given us so much, I vote Stallone. For what? For anything… whether it is president, pope, the next captain of the Enterprise, the hobbit to carry Sauron’s ring to Mordor or the new leader of the galaxy. There just has to be some way to honor him properly. Whenever you want to silence a table full of women reminiscing about how nobody puts baby in a corner, just start gushing about the best action hero of the 80s. And after the look of disbelief vanishes from their faces and the inevitable mocking of Stallone and his guy movie greatness ensues just say that “the last thing to age on somebody is their heart.” No, that was not from Dirty Dancing or any other romantic comedy. It is not Plato, Shakespeare or Socrates. That’s Stallone and that's beautiful.