The Cougar Chronicles: Inside the Mind of the Dating Scene's Most Illusive Predator

While attending a friend’s birthday party at a local bar two weeks ago, I had the chance to catch up with a friend whom I hadn’t spoken with in quite some time.  Predictably the discussion soon veered towards the topic of dating and I learned that he had been seeing a new woman who he was pretty excited about.  He went on about how she was exactly what he needed at this particular point in his life, until he eventually felt compelled to disclose one disclaimer that, up to this point, sounded like it was probably the only thing keeping her from being designated the perfect woman.

“The only thing is that she’s a little bit older,” he told me.

“Well, how much older?” I said with an empathetic shrug of the shoulders as if to say, “I’m sure it can’t be that bad.”

“Forty-Five,” he said.

“Damn!”

Actually that last quote was uttered only in my head (I hope).

Instantly, my mind conjured up this image of a slim, well put together quadragenarian in a business suit, with a high-profile career and a waterfront condo.  That image is largely based on stereotypical portrayals from TV and movies, but I’ve had just enough friends and acquaintances who’ve had similar cougar experiences, for me to believe that this group of women actually exists.

These anecdotes tend to come across as being a little far-fetched for the uninitiated, simply because they don’t fit with the way we typically expect men and women to behave.  Most of the time when a couple has a big age disparity it’s the other way around.  The reasons for this are numerous and are likely influenced by both biological and social factors.  One of the major reasons, however, has to do with patriarchy.  Because the older partner tends to occupy a more authoritative role (especially when the disparity is big) this role is generally filled by the man, as the couple replicates the overall power dynamic of society.  Also, a woman’s market-value in the dating scene is heavily defined by her looks, and the younger the better.  Men on the other hand can overcome physical limitations with wealth, power and other indicators of success, most of which are acquired later on in life.

At the same time, women who achieve a high-level of success in their careers are often penalized for it in their dating life as many men find this threatening and, in extreme cases, unladylike.  For these women, a young man with a more progressive outlook, who doesn’t feel any pressure to compete with his partner, could make for a good match.  In fact, I would even hazard a guess that many of the so-called cougars who actively seek out younger men often end up with bona fide slackers who don’t have much responsibilities apart from keeping their woman happy.  On top of that, these women enjoy many of the benefits that men would get if the roles were reversed.  Not the least of which is a young, attractive partner that they can show off.  Moreover, some would argue that the older woman-younger man pairing leads to better sexual compatibility as both partners would likely be closer to their respective sexual peaks.

All of this constitutes a major departure from the traditional role that women – especially older women - are encouraged to assume in their relationships with men, and so naturally cougars pay a heavy social price for their indiscretions.  Women who are perceived to be cougars tend to be the laughing stock of the dating scene and the myth is that they’re so sex-starved that they’re generally the easiest to sleep with.  Personally, I think it’s much more complicated than that.

But now that I’ve done all this hypothesizing and philosophizing, I’m tempted to do some real investigating to learn just how accurate my suspicions are.

Stay tuned…