The Friend Zone (or: why men and women can never be friends)

While the image of General Zod et al. hurtling through space in another dimension may seem like a perplexing way to visualize being friends with a girl you like, I can totally relate to Mr. Zod’s predicament. The Phantom Zone and the Friend Zone aren’t that different. You’re basically stuck in limbo until the person who trapped you inside is gracious enough to let you out (or a nuclear bomb breaks you free). Either way, neither experience is very pleasant.

Going on a date is like a job interview - you meet the prospective match, see what they have to offer, show them what you can offer them, and arrange a follow-up meeting with the hopes of scoring a job (get it?) This description might seem a bit cold, but after 10+ years in “the game” I can honestly say that both dating and job hunting have become routine at this stage.

The major difference is, as disappointing as it might be not to get that awesome office job, it’s nothing like the defeat I’ve experienced when a girl I really dug just wanted to be friends, and the resignation I’ve felt by agreeing to it. It’s almost like losing a war and having to sign the terms of surrender. 

The friend zone creates a power imbalance between the two "just friends." You never feel like you’re on a level playing-field and you’re always looking for ways to change the terms of the arrangement. You want something from them that they have made clear will never happen. So why continue to hang out with them?

The answer is simple of course, and I partly blame movies and television for this. It’s called the faint hope clause. (Ok I made that up, but whatever). With every girl that goes from potential love interest to “hey let’s hang out on Saturday so I can tell you all about my problems” is the thought in the back of every dude’s head that someday I can get this girl to fall for me. We fool ourselves into thinking that all it takes is a little time and persistence for them to come around. Friends, this is a lost cause. More often than not, you end up asexualizing yourself to the point where they’re walking around in their underwear oblivious to how your hormones might feel about it.

I won’t mention any names, but I can think of about half-a-dozen girls that went from possible girlfriend material to “my boyfriend doesn’t understand me”-type friends.

So here’s what I’ve learned:

Be direct

If you do find yourself heading into that friend zone, it’s best to just come out and tell her what you want rather than spend weeks hoping she’ll figure it out. Make your intentions clear, otherwise she’s bound to think you’re not interested - or worse - that you’re not man enough to make a move. 

Be honest

Not just with her but with yourself. If she says she just wants to be friends, ask yourself if it’s worth spending time with this girl who’s just put a chastity belt on your relationship. Don’t feel like you have to be friends with her just cuz. And don’t delude yourself into thinking she’ll change her mind. She won’t.

Don’t be nice

Nice guys DO finish last. It’s one thing to act all sweet and affectionate when you’re two months into a relationship, but in the beginning you have to show a little edge. No woman wants a PG-13 guy no matter what they tell you. I’m not saying you have to be a total jerk, but gifts, over-attentiveness and showering her with praise NEVER works.

Ladies, my word of advice to you is… don’t be friends with guys that like you! Don’t ask him to hang out with you, don’t tell him he’s like a brother to you, and for the love of god don’t tell him about some other guy you’re seeing. You’ll only make matters worse. 

Not convinced? Take it from Billy here.