The Wonder Years Paradox and Other Ruminations on the Causes and Consequences of Finding Ones Life Partner at an Early Age

Throughout the late 80's and early 90's, North American television audiences were captivated by the adventures of Kevin Arnold, the wholesome, fresh-faced protagonist of the hit show, The Wonder Years.  One of the primary ongoing plots of the show was Kevin's on-again-off-again romance with Winnie, the proverbial girl-next-door.  In the final episode the suspense builds as the audience waits to find out if Kevin and Winnie will stay together and live out the fairytale ending Kevin hopes for.  In the end, Kevin winds up married to another woman, although he and Winnie remain good friends.  But what if this hadn't been the case?  Would Kevin have been better off had he been granted his wish and married his high school sweetheart?

That final episode was set in the early 70's when marrying ones high school girlfriend would likely have been commonplace.  Since then things have changed, especially among the middle-class, college educated demographic of which Kevin and Winnie were a part.  Nowadays, those who stay with one partner for their whole lives appear to be in the minority, but there are still many who choose to follow this path.

I find that these couples can generally be divided into three categories.  First, there are those who are obligated to settle down and marry early due to religion or strong cultural pressures.  This group would include people like the Mormons and the Amish in the North America, and Irish Travelers in the UK.  The second group is probably the smallest of the three, and it is comprised of couples in which both partners are attractive and desirable, but they just happen to have found an excellent match early on in their dating lives.  These couples are routinely presented with opportunities to date other people but they make the calculation that they're better off staying with the person they already have.

The third group, and the one that I'd like to focus on, is made up of couples in which the male partner is the weaker and more needy of the two.  In these situations, because the male is the less attractive than his female partner (not just in terms of looks, but in all the ways people can attract members of the opposite sex, including intelligence, power, success, etc.), he tends to cling to the relationship partly out of fear that he won't be able to find another woman of her caliber.  Women who find themselves in this situation also cling to their partners and fight to maintain the relationship for as long as possible.  However, a woman in this position is at a disadvantage.  Whereas the woman's neediness will almost inevitably push her more attractive male partner away, a man's neediness can sometimes endear him to his more attractive female partner, who may view his neediness as a guarantee of future stability. 

Moreover, even when a woman is turned off by her overly-dependent male partner, it's less likely she'll have the callousness required to walk away from the relationship.  Some people don't realize this, but it takes a certain type of individual to be able to break up with someone that loves you.  It's one thing to be able to cut your losses and walk away when you've been betrayed or deceived by your partner.  But it's incredibly difficult to leave someone that loves you when they've done nothing wrong other than be themselves.  It's even harder to express to that person that, even though they've done nothing wrong, they're just not good enough.  Men tend to be more Machiavellian in this respect, as they've been socialized to believe that it's okay to put their own needs over the needs of the people who love them.  But I've encountered very few women who were both capable and willing to walk away from a loving boyfriend who'd done nothing overtly wrong.  As a result, relationships in which the woman wields most of the power tend to last longer and are more likely to lead to a life-long partnership.

I'll be the first to acknowledge that this is purely speculation based on my own sporadic observations.  I don't have any scientific data to substantiate this claim, but just yesterday I came across an article on Slate.com that supports my hypothesis.  The author, a 29-year-old woman, describes her courtship and subsequent marriage to her husband, whom she's been with since they were both 15.  She paints a picture of a whirlwind romance that culminated in marriage at the age of 23.  However, within a year they are beginning to get on each other's nerves and she announces one day that she wants out.  He's crushed but he accepts her decision.  She travels across the country to go to grad school in New York, while he bides his time hoping that she'll come back to him.  Although she's having a great time in New York, something just doesn't "feel right".  Within a few months of arriving in New York, she gets in her car and drives for three days straight back to California and the store where her husband works as a cashier.  When she arrives, he's happy to see her and eager to pick things up where they left off.

There are a couple things that I found interesting about this narrative.  One thing is that, for a 24-year-old, she appears to be fairly interesting and successful, having moved to New York to attend a prestigious graduate program.  By contrast, he appears to bring much less to the table, being a cashier who lacked gusto necessary to move beyond the register, much less to escape his hometown.  I wasn't at all surprised when I read this final passage since it's in keeping with my overall theory of how these relationships function.  In fact, from very early on in the article I pictured him being a portly plain-joe with poor fashion sense and nerdy glasses (not the cool hipster glasses with the chunky black frames, but the kind of glasses that make it highly likely that the guy sucks at all sports).

Based on my own observations, I find that these men are generally unambitious when it comes to career advancement.  In a sense, they're the antithesis of the alpha-male, who racks up professional and romantic conquests with equal dexterity.  I can only speculate on which scenario causes the other.  Do unambitious men naturally end up being needy in relationships and therefore cling to the first girl they manage to lock down?  Or does being in a long-term, stable relationship from such an early age quell the desire to pursue career success?  I suppose the rationale here would be that a major factor that drives men to succeed professionally is so that they can attract more (and better) sexual partners, either consciously or subconsciously.  When the need to attract women disappears, so too does the hunger for success.  I'm not sure what the explanation is.  Nor am I certain my observations aren't self-indulgent projection masquerading as social theory.  In any case, it would be an interesting research question for someone to tackle.

That's not to say that men in this situation should be pitied.  There are a few advantages to having just one partner for your whole life.  The most obvious is the fact that it drastically reduces the likelihood of contracting an STD.  The other advantage is more esoteric... If a man has been with one woman for his whole life, in his eyes she becomes the embodiment of female sexuality and companionship.  Even if, by more objective standards, she's a horrible girlfriend and not very good in bed, he'll never know the true extent of it.  And herein lies the paradox.  Is it better to be with someone who you think is the most amazing partner on Earth, even though the rest of the world may know otherwise?  Or is it better be with someone about whom your feelings are more nuanced and circumspect, having benefitted from a greater knowledge of what other women have to offer both physically and emotionally?  At first, you might be inclined to say the that the inexperienced man is better off.  After all, ignorance is bliss.  But at the same time, it would be rough knowing you've only ever had one partner, facing the prospect of never having a chance to experience someone else, and being left to wonder what it might be like.  It would begin to weigh on you at some point.  Some point during all those years spent wondering.