World Cup Postmortem

Five weeks ago, before the World Cup even began I made a prediction: Spain would defeat Holland in the finals for the World Cup, with the reliable Germans taking third place. Two days ago Spain defeated Holland in the finals for the World Cup, with the Germans taking third.

Am I a genius?

Yes. 

So believe me when I say the following:

The Best Players?

FIFA picked Uruguay’s Diego Forlan as the best player of the tournament, and I’m not going to disagree. Forlan managed to take a mediocre team all the way to the semi-finals, not to mention scoring two of the prettiest goals of the tournament. Throw in the fact that he sports an absolutely outstanding head of hair, and it’s pretty much a wrap. When you consider Diego Forlan was previously known as the guy who couldn’t cut it at Manchester United, leading Atletico Madrid to the Europa League championship, and the Uruguayans squad to the World Cup semis within a couple of months has probably changed his legacy for the better.

Second best player of the tourney goes to David Villa, the best player on the winning team, who managed to not only lead the Spanish but make up for the lost offense from a hobbled Fernando Torres. Third best goes to Holland’s Arjen Robben, who put fear into the other team every time he touched the ball (although he blew two big chances to ice the finals.) And in case you’re wondering, Wayne Rooney finished somewhere around 340854th.

The Best Team?

Notice how I said that David Villa was the best player on the winning team, and not the best team. No, that award goes to the Germans, who despite coming in third were the only team to really impress. The Spaniards, who really played their only good game against the Germans played it safe, content with middling 1-0 wins. It was only the Germans who played some beautiful football and went for the kill whenever they had an opponent on the ropes (their games against the English and Argentineans won’t be replayed in those countries for many years).  Also, how is it that no matter how mediocre their team looks on paper, putting on that uniform manages to elevate them to another level (see Miroslav Klose). They’re like the anti-England.

 The Worst Team?

Speaking of Rooney, England’s best player was a complete non-factor, scoring zero goals on a completely impotent England team. But at least England managed to make it out of the group stages. The biggest crash and burn of the World Cup (and there were plenty of options) has got to go to the mighty French. Why choose the 1998 World Cup champions over the English or Italians? Consider the following:

1. Sure they couldn’t manage a single win, including a loss against South Africa, one of the weakest sides in the World Cup; but throw in the fact that France’s coach Raymond Domenech, an avid astrologer purposely leaves Scorpios out of the squad because he distrusts them; 

2. that after France’s loss to Mexico, Nicholas Anelka told the coach to go ‘fuck himself... you filthy son of a whore’; 

3. that Anelka was dismissed from the team and sent home as punishment, and the rest of the team actually sided with Anelka, boycotting a practice in protest.

4. Aand that the whole brouhaha caused French captain Patrice Evra to get stripped of his captaincy... well, you’ve gone way beyond a bad showing to just outright farce.

Oh yeah, and the team’s best player was caught with an underage prostitute a few months before the tournament even began; let’s just say Les Bleus didn’t have the most dignified of World Cups.

The Most Disappointing Team?

Well, the Italians could certainly be chosen for this spot. Like the French the defending champs didn’t win a single game, and looked lackadaisical in all three of their matches; but expectations were kind of low to begin with considering the advanced age of the team. Besides, if you’re an Italy fan it’s hard to be too crushed knowing the Italians won in 2006. 

So the award for most disappointing team goes to the English, who never fail to raise inexplicably high expectations from their fans before losing in the most humiliating way possible. Just know that England looked so horrible in all four of their games that they made people question whether they should be considered a world class squad at all. I mean, can you really consider yourself favourites when you’re starting Emile Heskey? Other than Ashley Cole and Wayne Rooney, do the English have a top-five player at any position? Nope, and after the way Rooney played, his spot is certainly in question. On the positive side though, their uniforms were easily the best of the tournament. 

(And yes, I did predict them making it to the semi-finals, which was mostly attributable to their unbelievably fortunate draw. Nevertheless, the English managed to mess even that up, failing to win their group.)

The Most Exciting Team to Watch

You might not have won USA, but you never failed to entertain. That game against Ghana was a classic, and the finish against Algeria was fantastic. Not only that, but days after scoring the most exciting goal of the tournament, American striker Landon Donovan got tied up in his very first tabloid sex scandal! Welcome to the big time Landon.

The Most Fascinating Team to Watch

This one’s a no brainer, as this award goes to the North Koreans. Nobody knew what to expect, and at first I was pleasantly surprised playing competitively against the Brazilians before getting absolutely shellacked by the Portuguese. Questions that ran through my mind included;

1. What were the North Koreans’ expectations coming into the tournament? Did they expect to win? Did they know how overmatched they were? 

2. Were the coaches or players allowed to watch game film of their opponents? 

3. Did coaches or staff go to their hotel rooms ahead of time and take out all of their TVs/Radios?

4. Did the coach really mean it when he said Kim Jong Il was giving him advise via an invisible cellphone that he invented?

The Move of the Tournament

I'm going to humbly disagree with my colleague AlexsJenkins and his assessment of the intentional handball by Luis Suarez. I found it more akin to an intentional foul in basketball, where a defender hacks a guy driving for an easy lay-up, making him shoot the free-throws. Suarez blocked the shot, and made Ghana take the penalty kick which they ultimately couldn't convert.

The Most Irritating Things About the World Cup

1. 2 yellow cards = a 1 game suspension? Is there a person in the universe that likes this rule? Why can’t we just make it 3? Doesn’t that make a billion times more sense? Throw in the fact that FIFA somehow managed to make this already stupid rule even more idiotic by not granting amnesty until the semi-finals! 

2. Lack of video replay: sure the English deserved to lose against the Germans, but who knows how that game might have turned out if the Lampard goal was allowed, tying the game 2-2. Just know that the NHL has had instant replay for about 15 years now, and not a single sane person would ever endorse repealing it.

3. Cristiano Ronaldo: he was pretty much a non-factor, but any guy who paints his toenails isn’t going to endear himself to me. Becks would never do that Cristiano!

Anyway, overall it was a good tournament, not a great one, and ultimately the two most deserving teams made it to the finals. And no matter who you might have cheered for, we can all agree that Spanish and Dutch girls are both very, very attractive.